why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
