Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
