i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
