Those balls look pretty dangerous.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
