I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
