dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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