shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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