so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize