I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
