My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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