I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
