I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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