is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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