Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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