you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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