My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
