Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
