i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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