Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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