Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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