I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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