sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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