My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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