btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
