direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
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The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
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Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.