I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
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Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
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Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.