So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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