On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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