I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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