can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize