saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
