you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
