I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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