Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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