plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
