you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
