When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
