im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
