wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
