life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
