Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
