when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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