Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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