Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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