I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
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I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
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Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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