I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
