we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
