Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
