Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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