I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
