Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
