Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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