Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
