I am puke
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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