my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
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